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Audio Stream

BT10 Workshop 21 - Divorce Busting© Do’s and Don’ts - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW


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Topic Areas:
Divorce |  Workshops |  Communication |  Conflict |  Motivation |  Solution Oriented Approach
Categories:
Brief Therapy Conference |  Brief Therapy Conference 2010 |  Pioneers in Couples and Family Therapy
Faculty:
Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW
Duration:
2:19:23
Format:
Audio Only
Original Program Date:
Dec 10, 2010
License:
Never Expires.



Description

Description:

Is it possible that our biases about marriage, divorce and the likelihood of change play a monumental role in a couple's decision about their future together? The short answer is, “Emphatically, yes!” Bring a ”Divorce Busting” mindset to your couples work with these field-tested Do’s and Don’ts that encourage even the most resistant spouses to rethink their decisions to leave.

Educational Objectives:

  1. List five Divorce Busting Do’s—actions that enhance the chances couples will feel motivated to work on their marriages.
  2. List five Divorce Busting Don’ts- actions that will make reconciliation.
  3. Describe those specific circumstances when the therapist must step back.    

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Workshop Theme

  • Michelle Weiner Davis introduces “Divorce Busting Do’s and Don’ts.”

  • Shares a personal story about her father's positive outlook and invites audience interaction.

Background and Philosophy

  • Describes her long-term marriage as her biggest personal accomplishment.

  • Passionate about helping couples stay together from a practical, not moral or religious, stance.

  • Notes many divorces are preventable and rooted in solvable issues.

Professional Journey and Ericksonian Influence

  • Initially struggled with traditional therapy models.

  • Inspired by Milton Erickson’s creative use of client obstacles.

  • Studied with Steve DeShazer and developed a solution-focused approach.

Impact of Divorce and Personal Drive

  • Parents' divorce at age 16 deeply affected her.

  • Motivated to help others avoid unnecessary separation and make marriages work.

Recognizing Therapist Bias and Hopelessness

  • Encourages therapists to examine what makes them feel hopeless with clients.

  • Stresses that hope is essential and therapists must model it.

  • Warns against therapists making early judgments about the viability of a marriage.

Divorce Busting Guidelines

  • Avoid early questions about commitment or giving permission to leave (unless abuse is present).

  • Don’t allow extended venting without redirection.

  • Stay neutral and avoid bias; focus on teaching effective communication.

Case Example: Workaholic Husband

  • Helps uncover deeper intentions behind distancing behaviors.

  • Uses questioning to identify marriage-preserving motivations.

  • Focuses on areas of potential and strengths in the relationship.

Therapy Structure and Resources

  • Offers advanced trainings and marriage education kits.

  • Encourages ongoing contact with attendees for follow-up and support.

Power of Small Changes

  • Small, consistent actions (like doing chores) can rebuild connection.

  • Only one partner changing their behavior can shift the entire relationship.

Managing Conflict and Polarization

  • Splitting polarized couples in therapy can prevent escalation.

  • Real change often starts with one motivated partner.

Effective Communication and Real Giving

  • Teach couples to meet each other’s needs, not just express their own.

  • Use love language insights to guide “real giving” in relationships.

Normalizing Difficult Experiences

  • Normalize blended family stress, infidelity, and emotional upheaval.

  • Shift focus from reactivity to solution-oriented action.

Building Client Strength and Resilience

  • Help clients reframe setbacks and see their own resilience.

  • Use strengths-focused techniques to restore confidence and motivation.

Therapist Role and Connection

  • Authentic therapist presence matters more than techniques.

  • Small gestures (calls, follow-ups) strengthen the therapeutic bond.

Therapists’ Personal Integrity

  • Therapists should walk their talk—healthy personal relationships matter.

  • Emotional cutoffs limit capacity to model connection for clients.

Final Reflections

  • Be authentic, hopeful, and client-centered.

  • Focus on feedback, resilience, and meeting clients where they are.

  • Emphasize relationship health and the therapist’s caring presence.

Credits



Faculty

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW's Profile

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW Related Seminars and Products


Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW is the Founder of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado. She is a popular TEDx speaker and the author of eight books including, Healing From Infidelity, and the bestselling Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage. She is the recipient of several prestigious awards including the Outstanding Contribution to Marriage and Family Therapy Award from AAMFT. 


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