BT12 Workshop 31 – It Takes One to Tango: Doing Couples Therapy with Individuals – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

That only one partner is willing to seek relationship therapy should not deter therapists since there is much that can be accomplished. In fact, there are occasions when working with only one partner is preferable. This workshop will explore these situations and offer therapists a conceptual framework for conducting relationship oriented sessions with one partner present.

Educational Objectives:

1. How seeing couples with divergent goals conjointly can be detrimental.
2. How to ascertain the absent partners’ views, feelings and goals for the relationship.
3. How to motivate the client to take responsibility for change in light of his/her partners’ lack of participation.

Outline:

Introduction and Michele’s Background

• Michele Weiner-Davis introduces herself as director of the Divorce Busting Center (Boulder & Woodstock).

• Believes most divorces are unnecessary with proper skills.

Training and Therapeutic Approach

• Inspired by Milton Erickson and trained at the Brief Family Therapy Center.

• Emphasizes solution-focused therapy and goal-oriented questioning.

• Focuses on client strengths and clear, actionable changes.

Personal Motivation

• Her mother’s therapist-driven divorce deeply impacted Michele’s life.

• Motivated to help others avoid unnecessary divorce.

• Values her 40-year marriage and encourages therapists to be mindful of their own values.

Myths and Misconceptions

• Debunks myth that both spouses must be present for couples therapy to work.

• Believes change in one partner can affect the system.

• Shares example of a mother changing her behavior, indirectly altering family dynamics.

Working with One Spouse

• Benefits include avoiding blame and building rapport.

• Shares case where validating a husband's motivations helped change behavior.

• Suggests separating couples in therapy if goals are polarized.

Seven-Step Individual Program

• Ask goal-oriented questions and convert complaints into positive requests.

• Break goals into small, actionable steps.

• Understand both the client’s and partner’s perspectives.

"More of the Same" Patterns

• Repeating unhelpful behaviors escalates conflict.

• Help clients identify and shift these patterns.

• Use creative strategies to promote positive change.

Encouraging Creativity and Flexibility

• Encourage clients to try new, even counterintuitive actions.

• Avoid rigid adherence to theory when creative interventions help.

• Example: helping a woman change her behavior even without her husband present.

Communication Differences

• Normalize quiet vs. talkative partner dynamics.

• Teach understanding of different communication styles, especially for women.

• Promote realistic expectations and mutual respect.

Acceptance and Gottman’s Research

• Emphasizes that ~70% of problems are perpetual—focus on acceptance.

• Encourage open communication while acknowledging differences.

Case Example: Criticism in Marriage

• Helped a woman shift focus to actionable goals like affection and affirmation.

• Showed how solution-focused work leads to renewed hope.

Dealing with Secrets

• Maintain confidentiality unless mutual consent for disclosure.

• Disclosure may benefit the relationship—even if it ends.

Red Flags and Optimism

• Abuse, addiction, anger don’t automatically doom relationships.

• Therapist mindset and approach can greatly affect outcome.

Handling Interruptions

• Suggest strategies like acknowledging intent or letting partner speak uninterrupted.

• Recommend active listening to improve conversation flow.

Commitment in Relationships

• Defined as taking personal responsibility and effort to improve.

• Example: couple shelving religious differences for a year to test compatibility.

Separation as a Last Resort

• Planned separation may help but is not ideal.

• Positive change is more likely when spouses remain under the same roof.

Balancing Individual and Couples Therapy

• Individual work can support or undermine couples work—must be managed carefully.

• Being primary therapist helps ensure cohesion and consistent strategy.

• Flexibility is key to tailoring therapy to each couple’s needs.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*