BT12 Workshop 44 – Betrayed: Helping Couples to Heal from Infidelity – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

If you work with couples, you’re no stranger to infidelity. And because healing from infidelity is challenging, it behooves us to have a clear roadmap of the territory. In this workshop, we’ll go over an array of post-affair issues, including ways to deal with intense emotions, whether to discuss the details of the betrayal, how to begin rebuilding trust in the aftermath of the discovery, whether to have clinical ultimatums about ending affairs, how to handle setbacks, and how to deal with residual feelings for the affair partner. We’ll explore a step-by-step treatment plan and discuss how to tailor it to each couple’s unique needs. You’ll learn methods for overcoming the most common therapeutic impasses—hopelessness engendered by setbacks, debates about the value of discussing the affair, and ongoing dishonesty. You’ll discover the nuances involved in deciding how much disclosure is best for each couple and gain a greater understanding of the spiraling, zigzag nature of recovery. By the time you leave, you’ll know how to coach couples through a structured healing process that’s flexible and adaptable.

Educational Objectives:

1. Review what both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse must do to heal from infidelity.
2. Discuss & practice what to do when disclosure is made during an individual session.
3. Name and discuss methods for overcoming the most common impasses in helping couples heal from infidelity.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Overview

• Speaker introduces themselves as a “divorce buster” focused on saving marriages, even after infidelity.

• Workshop assumes both partners want to fix the marriage.

• Participants share common infidelity-related challenges in therapy.

Challenges in Infidelity Cases

• Betrayers may still love the affair partner or want to leave the marriage.

• Hurt partners often obsess or ruminate; deceit is common (e.g., affairs continuing secretly).

Cultural Norms and Family History

• Cultural/family attitudes shape how infidelity is viewed.

• Therapists should explore these influences in treatment.

Therapeutic Approach

• Two-day intensives; also offers phone coaching for one partner.

• Normalizes working with just one spouse to initiate change.

• Advocates for concrete, hopeful interventions.

Infidelity and Marital Satisfaction

• Many affairs happen in seemingly happy marriages.

• Reasons include emotional neglect or unmet self-esteem needs.

Sexual Desire Discrepancies

• Low desire affects both men and women, often under-discussed.

• Bridging desire gaps can involve direct discussion and experimentation ("Nike" approach: just do it).

Love Languages and Emotional Needs

• Introduces Gary Chapman's “Five Love Languages.”

• Emphasizes learning to love partners in their language, not one’s own.

Healing from Infidelity

• Normalize feelings, discuss the affair while planning for the future.

• Create “problem-free” zones for connection and growth.

Tasks for the Betrayed Spouse

• Identify marital areas needing improvement.

• Practice thought-stopping and request specific reassurances.

• Work toward forgiveness and acceptance.

Tasks for the Unfaithful Spouse

• Show remorse, offer full transparency (details, schedules, access).

• Understand and own choices that led to the affair.

• Help rebuild trust through accountability and behavioral change.

Rebuilding Trust

• Focus on ongoing reassurance and openness.

• Highlight the need for patience, transparency, and self-reflection.

• Encourage overt commitment and relationship renewal.

Handling Strong Emotions and Crisis

• Help unfaithful partners confront feelings of love/loss for affair partner.

• Address lingering anger in betrayed partners.

• Encourage gradual progress and emotional honesty.

When Clients Are Ambivalent

• Allow space for indecision.

• Highlight personal growth, integrity, and untapped inner resources.

Affairs in Long-Term and Complex Situations

• In long-term affairs, take a coaching stance.

• Promote building a life, self-reliance, and pacing interactions.

• Help clients find balance, develop new interests, and avoid desperation.

Complex Issues and Client Goals

• Address deeper issues like addiction, domestic violence, or resentment.

• Focus on what’s working; nurture small wins and steady growth.

Same-Sex Affairs

• Tackle health and identity concerns openly.

• Support couples in deciding their path while focusing on honest communication.

Second Marriages After Affairs

• Help couples process guilt and past betrayals.

• Encourage patterns of trust, clarity, and mutual growth.

Personal Growth and Resilience

• Support hobbies, social reconnection, and incremental self-improvement.

• Reinforce hope and momentum even amid setbacks.

Hopelessness and Resentment

• Identify specific problem behaviors and address them with empathy.

• Focus on restoring hope through small, actionable steps.

Balancing Therapist Role and Client Goals

• Align interventions with what clients want while offering professional structure.

• Stay focused on positive change and the client’s belief in their potential.