CC04 Workshop 12 - Repair, Recovery and Differentiation in the Narcissistic Dyad - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Some narcissists want to be adored without giving much in return. Others make outrageous demands. Couples therapists are continually challenged to remain centered and not get derailed by their defensive styles. In this workshop, we will discuss how to promote recovery and repair, how to confront and how to increase differentiation to sustain long-term change.

Educational Objectives:

1. To name the steps needed to re-establish emotional contact in the narcissistic dyad.
2. To describe two ways to effectively confront narcissistic demands.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

Understanding Narcissism in Relationships

• Narcissism linked to developmental issues and challenges in intimacy.
• Story of a narcissistic individual on a plane illustrates self-centered behavior.
• Narcissistic fantasies focus on taking without giving, avoiding emotional reciprocity.

Relationship Dynamics & Emotional Needs

• Narcissistic partners struggle with direct communication and emotional expression.
• Therapy introduces emotional repair and differentiation to build healthier patterns.
• Case study highlights anger, rejection, and the need to uncover underlying emotions.

Therapeutic Interventions & Differentiation

• Differentiation helps partners manage their own reactions and define boundaries.
• Therapists guide couples through intense emotions, promoting emotional repair.
• Goal: Build new capacities for intimacy, accountability, and self-awareness.

Techniques for Working with Narcissistic Partners

• Six confrontation styles: soft, empathic, gentle/tough, indirect, hard/tough, bombshell.
• Therapists use role-play, reflection, and structured interventions to stop defensiveness and foster emotional growth.

Differentiation as an Ongoing Process

• Analogy of tuning forks: emotional states affect partners.
• Differentiation strengthens self-management and reduces reactivity.
• Encourages recognizing separateness while staying emotionally connected.

The Initiator-Inquirer Process

• Initiator shares openly; Inquirer listens with curiosity and empathy.
• Helps partners explore feelings, build empathy, and avoid blame.
• Examples and role-plays demonstrate the process.

Empathy Building & Emotional Growth

• Empathy develops along a continuum—from basic to complex understanding.
• Tools like “Above & Beyond” and “Get Out of Jail Free” cards encourage giving and appreciation.
• Role-plays show how empathy can be taught and strengthened, even with narcissistic partners.

Challenges & Strategies with Narcissistic Traits

• Narcissistic partners resist empathy when inconvenient; therapy focuses on their underlying pain.
• Reflective listening, role-play, and empathy-building exercises used to shift perspectives.

Case Studies & Practical Applications

• Lesbian couple case study shows gradual progress in empathy and emotional openness.
• Role-playing demonstrates real-time struggles and breakthroughs in empathy and communication.

The Upside of Narcissism

• Positive traits of narcissism include leadership, timing, and courage.
• Example of FDR illustrates how narcissistic traits can be channeled toward greatness.