CC05 Workshop 05 - Core Negative Images (CNis) and Dead Stop Contracts: Powerful Tools of Relational Recovery Therapy - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

Couples notoriously have the same fight for 40 years. They're not speaking to each other, but to each other's core negative image. This workshop teaches participants to identify and share each partner's CNI of the other, how these CNis interact to produce vicious circles and how to break the pattern.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe two ways to deal effectively with grandiosity.
2. To describe two ways to engage each partner's "best self."

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Handouts

• Audience welcomed; handouts and email sign-up sheet distributed.

• Focus is on the “Core Negative Image” (CNI) tool for individuals and couples.

• CNI helps partners identify how they view each other at their worst.

Defining Core Negative Image (CNI)

• CNI = partner seen at their absolute worst.

• Participants asked to write down their own CNI and guess their partner’s.

• Sharing CNIs helps normalize difficult perceptions and surface relational wounds.

Examples of CNIs

• Participants share CNIs of their partners and themselves.

• Common themes: controlling, selfish, lazy, immature, critical, abusive.

• Self-CNIs: bossy, demanding, unreliable, moody, narcissistic.

Introduction to the Relationship Grid

• The grid maps shame ↔ grandiosity (vertical) and boundary strength (horizontal).

• Concepts of containing (inward) and protective (outward) boundaries explained.

• Exercise: practicing boundaries by deciding what messages to accept or reject.

Applying the Relationship Grid

• Participants explore how boundary function affects emotional regulation.

• Examples include being “walled off” vs. “boundaryless.”

• Helps individuals recognize and shift their positions within the grid.

Using the Grid in Couples Work

• Couples use the grid to explore their interlocking behaviors and CNIs.

• Focus on honest, compassionate communication to foster intimacy.

• Example shared of a couple using the grid to break reactive cycles.

Stance and Dance in Relationships

• “Stance”: fixed position in conflict (e.g., controlling, critical).

• “Dance”: reactive pattern with partner (e.g., obstructive, defensive).

• Recognizing CNIs reveals family-of-origin issues and triggers.

Managing CNIs in Practice

• CNIs aren’t literal truths—more like emotional exaggerations.

• Partners should acknowledge, not dismiss, each other's CNIs.

• CNI work supports boundary-setting, empathy, and better communication.

Advanced Tools: Transmission and Reception

• One partner begins offering what the other wants; the other may disqualify it.

• Therapy supports the “latent” partner in receiving and validating change.

• Therapists guide without taking control—partners must find their own path.

Therapist Challenges and Leverage

• Female therapists may struggle with narcissistic or grandiose clients.

• Assertiveness, presence, and leveraging consequences are key.

• Therapists must stay grounded and use client reactions as therapeutic material.

Practical Skills and Role-Playing

• Therapists model appreciation and direct requests to shift patterns.

• Avoid making decisions for clients—support their autonomy and ownership.

• Role-play helps clients feel the impact of their behaviors.

Grandiosity and Narcissism

• Address grandiosity head-on; reinforce consequences and awareness.

• Make grandiose behaviors unpleasant to shift them.

• Therapy goal: move from toxic to healthy shame.

Responsibility and Empowerment

• Encourage partners to own their behavior and its impact.

• Distinguish between love addiction and healthy intimacy.

• Recovery includes developing independence and accountability.

Family of Origin Influence

• CNIs often stem from childhood wounds.

• Identifying these roots can unlock empathy and help shift blame.

• Boundary work is enhanced by understanding one’s upbringing.

Relationship Empowerment vs. Individual Empowerment

• Focus is on mutual accountability, not just self-help.

• Partners are coached to support and challenge each other with care.

• Binds (mutual stuckness) are addressed directly to unlock change.

Confronting Binds and Making Decisions

• Binds arise when one or both partners are unwilling to move.

• Therapy guides them to make clear choices without rescuing.

• Clients learn to recognize impact, communicate effectively, and grow.