CC09 Workshop 01 - A Developmental Approach to Couples Therapy: An Introduction to Attachment and Differentiation in Couples Therapy - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Using a developmental lens is a powerful way to lead couples to make sustained change. Learn how developmental principles can help you assess what is wrong and then guide and shape your treatment decisions. Videotapes and clinical case examples will be used throughout the workshop to demonstrate how to challenge symbiosis, facilitate differentiation and build the capacities to sustain intimacy.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe how to integrate the stages of couple’s development with therapeutic interventions.
2. To describe how to sustain positive momentum in couples therapy and avoid being drawn into partner’s negative cycles.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Introduction & Session Setup

• Audience asked about learning preferences: video or experiential.
• Session shortened from 3 to 2 hours.
• Video shown highlighting common couples’ struggles and the gap between romantic ideals and real-life challenges.

Developmental Model of Couples Therapy

• Model integrates attachment theory, differentiation, and neuroscience.
• Therapists urged to use a developmental framework, not just intuition.
• Couples often present wanting their partner to change, focusing on weaknesses.

Therapist’s Role

• Therapist is a leader, setting a positive tone and focusing on growth, not pathology.
• Optimism and the ability to challenge couples to develop is critical.
• Relationships fail due to developmental gaps, unresolved trauma, lack of skills, and unclear roles.
• A clear blueprint: strong start, clear vision, and structured interventions.

Case Study: Early Relationship Conflict

• Couple argued over text messages—triggered old wounds around being cut off and feeling attacked.
• His family advised avoiding discussion of his ex-wife, complicating communication.

Developmental Stages in Relationships

• Parallels childhood development: symbiosis → differentiation → practicing → rapprochement.
• Emotional object constancy (self-soothing) is a key developmental goal.

Attachment Theory Application

• Attachment styles: secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-resistant.
• Hypothesis: she is anxious-resistant, he is avoidant.
• The relationship offers a chance for personal growth and healing.

Common Couples in Therapy

• Hostile-Angry Couples: Fight competitively.
• Conflict-Avoidant Couples: Avoid or suppress conflict but remain tense.
• Both types struggle with differentiation.

Developmental & Emotional Issues

• Issues include attachment wounds, boundary confusion, emotional contagion.
• Lack of differentiation leads to partners absorbing each other’s emotions.
• Empathy (via mirror neurons) is crucial, but partners must learn to self-soothe.

The Ouch Technique for De-escalation

• A partner says “ouch” to signal emotional activation.
• The other responds supportively to soothe pain, not defend.
• Helps reduce conflict and build differentiation.

Further Case Insights

• Her trauma from past marriage and his pain avoidance patterns highlighted.
• His grief over his first marriage is unresolved.
• Progress made through individual work and practicing the ouch technique.

Conclusion & Key Takeaways

• Change requests in couples are developmental, not just behavioral.
• Goal: Help couples grow, develop emotional resilience, and differentiate.
• Reminder: Couples are normal people striving for extraordinary growth.
• Session ends with Q&A and an offer for further discussion.