CC17 Workshop 02 - Betrayal: Structuring Your Approach - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

Description:

This two-hour workshop will focus on the matter of betrayal as presented in couple therapy. A betrayal comes in many forms – sexual, financial, mismanagement of thirds, withholding of information, lying, and gas lighting. Through video and live demonstration, attendees will learn how to structure their approach as determined by the type of betrayal presented in session. The matter of the trail deserves special focus as it not only involves the experience of betrayal but also the application of an architecture the therapist uses to guide the couple toward healing.

Educational Objectives:

1. To be able to list at least three types of betrayal.
2. To be able to apply at least one therapeutic architecture for dealing with betrayal.
3. To be able to apply at least three interventions for dealing with betrayal.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Betrayal and Its Impact on Couple Therapy

• Focus on betrayal, deception, and affairs in couples therapy.

• Emphasizes co-regulation over self-regulation between partners.

• PACT model stresses that retrofitting individual therapy techniques into couple work is ineffective.

• Secure functioning involves fairness, justice, sensitivity, and collaboration between partners.

Therapeutic Alliance and Techniques

• Alliance is a shared task focused on the relationship, not individual pathology.

• Therapist gathers data by watching the silent partner and using crossing techniques.

• Tools include declarations, corralling questions, and “bending metal” (pushing toward change).

• Clarity and regulation lead couples toward secure functioning.

Arousal Regulation and Betrayal

• Maintaining partners in the window of tolerance is critical.

• Betrayal defined as a breach of explicit or implicit social contracts (e.g., affairs, secret family).

• Repair requires containment, mutual regulation, and authentic presence from both partners.

Strategies for Addressing Betrayal

• Assess betrayal severity, uphold structure, and hold both partners accountable.

• Pain is a motivator for change.

• Scan for deception via speech, bias management, and nonverbal cues.

• Therapist maintains stance and supports a move toward secure functioning.

Demo and Role-Play

• A live demonstration shows therapy with a couple dealing with infidelity.

• Focus is on rebuilding trust, commitment, transparency, and accountability.

Conflict Avoidance and Honesty

• One partner avoids fights due to past trauma; prefers a conflict-free relationship.

• Therapist challenges avoidance and explores honesty and trust.

• Opens conversation about emotional safety and hidden issues.

Emotional Reactions and Dynamics

• Emotional expressions don’t match words—therapist flags potential dishonesty.

• One partner reports confusion and emotional disconnection.

• Therapist highlights the danger of unresolved emotions and secret-keeping.

Marriage and Parenting Challenges

• Overwhelm from work and parenting strains emotional connection.

• One partner feels unappreciated, the other emotionally unavailable.

• Therapist emphasizes the need for eye contact, communication, and presence.

Therapeutic Approaches

• Pseudo-secure couples rely on routine over emotional depth.

• Therapist helps identify fears, unmet needs, and avoidance patterns.

• Confrontation of discomfort is necessary for real connection and change.

Handling Betrayal

• Therapist demands accountability and emotional regret from the betrayer.

• Structure and discipline in therapy keep focus and promote progress.

• Evidence is prioritized over emotional speculation.

Q&A and Practical Tools

• Focus on how couples manage distress, not just what distresses them.

• Encourage regret and ownership in the betraying partner.

• End sessions by setting up the next step and encouraging follow-through.

King and Queen Technique

• A psychodramatic tool to expose narcissism and hidden betrayal.

• Uses drama, apology, and role-playing to surface underlying dynamics.

• Helps create emotional breakthroughs and set the stage for deeper work.