CC17 Workshop 11 - The “Deal Breaker”: Detection and Intervention - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

CC17 Workshop 11 - The “Deal Breaker”: Detection and Intervention - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

The PACT therapist is always moving couples toward secure functioning. A deal breaker is a conflict between partners for which there is no workable solution. Deal- breakers lead partners to a dead-end and therefore threaten the existence of the relationship. The couples therapist must play the long game as partners almost always are playing the short game. To them, facing a deal-breaker squarely triggers fear of loss, and so it is avoided. If secure functioning is to be a therapeutic goal, the couples therapist has a duty to keep partners from bending reality and avoiding deal-breakers. In this two-hour workshop, attendees will learn how to detect large and small deal-breakers and how to apply a well-defined process for guiding the couple toward dissolving the deal-breaker for good.

Educational Objectives:

● List at least three examples of deal-breakers

● Identify, amplify, and work through deal-breakers

● Apply at least three interventions for dealing with deal-breakers

Outline:

Workshop Introduction

• Workshop: “The Deal Breaker” by Stan Tatkin, PsyD.

• Focus: Identifying and addressing unresolved, make-or-break issues in couple relationships.

• Participants reminded to mute phones; workshop is part of the 2017 Milton H. Erickson Foundation Couples Conference.

Understanding Deal Breakers

• Deal breakers are unresolved issues partners avoid or defer.

• Goal: Prioritize deal breakers as the main therapeutic focus.

• Examples: infidelity, addiction, lifestyle incompatibilities.

• People often avoid pain and truth, preventing resolution.

Structural vs. Therapeutic Issues

• Structural issues (e.g., incompatible values) are not fixable through therapy.

• Therapeutic issues (e.g., trust, communication) are changeable.

• Therapists must distinguish between the two to guide treatment.

Amplifying and Testing Deal Breakers

• Amplify even minor issues to determine seriousness.

• Use deal breakers to clarify avoidance patterns.

• Pre-marital therapy is ideal for addressing issues early.

• Therapist countertransference must be monitored carefully.

PACT Model Overview

• PACT (Psycho-biological Approach to Couple Therapy) integrates multiple models: neurobiology, attachment, psychoanalytic, social justice.

• Focus: Co-regulation, secure functioning, and mutual fairness.

Therapeutic Techniques

• Tools include: corralling questions, cross-questioning, cross-interpreting.

• Use of wheeled chairs to observe micro-movements and reactions.

• Neutral stance is essential—no siding with one partner.

Case Example: Substance Abuse

• Couple session centered on substance abuse using “five-minute argument” format.

• Therapist supports the partner raising the issue and challenges the partner in denial.

• Aims: clarify positions, promote resolution, and increase accountability.

Follow-Up Importance

• Continued support needed post-session to prevent deal breaker recurrence.

• Therapist must ensure movement toward resolution and secure functioning.

Strategic and Dynamic Nature of Couple Therapy

• Therapists must be available, engaged, and tactically responsive.

• Emotional regulation, structure, and therapeutic pacing are key.

PAC Training and Therapist Strategy

• PACT training available nationwide; flyers provided.

• Strategic language use explained—calculated responses maintain therapeutic effectiveness.

• Therapist fatigue acknowledged; materials available on conference portal.

Managing Dysregulation

• Clients must regulate themselves and each other—reducing fear and reactivity.

• Therapists should distinguish between minor dysregulation and true emergencies.

• Wait out minor dysregulations; don’t overreact.

Five-Minute Argument Technique

• Not just about arguing—it’s a diagnostic tool to reveal dynamics.

• Used to verify authenticity of conflict (e.g., around drinking).

• Helps structure the session around a clear focus.

Individual vs. Couple Therapy

• Tatkin prefers couple therapy over individual work.

• Partners serve as real-time proxies for understanding relational patterns.

• Cautions against individual therapy causing unintended separation.

Analyzing Arguments

• Arguments should be constructive and fair to both partners.

• Poor argument styles signal insecure functioning.

• Comments made in therapy must be evidence-based, even if humor is used.

Final Thoughts

• Tatkin shares enjoyment of couple work and hopes to inspire therapists.

• Emphasizes evidence-based interventions and strategic use of techniques.