CC24 Keynote 02 - What The World Needs Now - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

As with any approach, couple therapy must have a clear vision toward which the couple can navigate. We may call this the therapeutic goal or therapeutic narrative. The clarity by which the therapist holds this vision and expects the couple to meet this goal largely determines therapeutic success. We might ask the couple before us, “Why are you a couple?” “What’s the point of your relationship?” “Who or what do you both serve?” Most partners will say, “We love each other,” or, “We have children,” or, “We have similar things in common.” This speech focuses on what predicts long term success in adult romantic relationships. We will discuss how purpose and shared vision sets the stage for meaningful, long-lasting relationships, and how a lack of purpose, shared meaning, and shared principles of governance (guardrails that protect partners from each other) is a predictor of accumulated, psychobiological threat and eventual dissolution. Here we examine couple capacity to co-regulate distress states as essential to threat reduction as well as confront the couple attitude when it comes to what sustains relationships over the long run. Love is not enough to ensure relationship endurance given the ever-present, survival-based nature of the human primate.

Learning Objectives:

1. To be able to list at least five purpose-centered principles for a union.
2. To be able to name at least five examples of a shared vision.
3. To be able to define and describe shared principles of governance.
4. To be able to explain why a couple’s shared mythology, shared purpose, shared vision, and shared relationship ethics is vital to couple longevity and happiness.

Outline:

Introduction of Stan Tatkin

• Speaker 1 introduces Stan Tatkin and praises his contributions to couples therapy and his book In Each Other’s Care.

• Shares a personal story of initial skepticism that turned into appreciation for Tatkin’s secure functioning model.

• Mentions Tatkin’s real-life example of secure functioning with his partner Tracy.

Tatkin’s Opening Remarks

• Tatkin thanks the host and expresses concern about moral decline and character issues, especially post-pandemic.

• Introduces PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) and its focus on secure functioning and social justice.

Overview of PACT

• PACT is polytheoretical—drawing from attachment theory, arousal regulation, developmental neuroscience, and social justice.

• Two key reasons relationships fail:

  • Lack of organization/shared structure.

  • Poor interaction under stress/distress.

• These lead to dysregulation and increased threat sensitivity.

Shared Vision and Purpose

• Couples need shared vision/purpose to avoid conflict and dysregulation.

• Compares healthy couples to teams (e.g., dance troupes, military) that succeed through alignment.

• Childhood expectations and fantasies often interfere; couples need clear relational policies.

Interaction Under Stress

• Stress triggers universal dysfunction, regardless of attachment style.

• Even tiny interactions can feel threatening.

• Love isn’t enough—relationships need structure, purpose, and principles.

Purpose and Principles in Relationships

• Secure functioning is built on fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity—not emotions alone.

• Social contracts reduce stress and free resources for development.

• Emphasizes cooperation and collaboration.

Defining Secure Functioning

• Secure functioning = co-created system of social contracts based on fairness and justice.

• Without these contracts, relationships collapse under unresolved trauma and stress.

• Uses the metaphor of a three-legged race to explain interdependence.

Interdependency vs. Co-dependency

• Healthy interdependence involves equal power, mutual goals, and shared responsibility.

• Imbalance in money, power, or authority disrupts structure.

• Strong couples collaborate to prevent stagnation and reach shared goals.

Repair and Social Justice

• Constant repair is crucial to avoid emotional “wars.”

• Couples are responsible for their internal justice system.

• Justice in relationships includes fairness, mutual care, and responsiveness.

Ethics and Morality in Relationships

• Couples must define their own values and moral boundaries.

• Secure functioning demands tolerating discomfort, frustration, and differences.

• Unity is built by choosing shared principles over individual impulses.

Conclusion and Q&A

• Tatkin urges couples to take charge of their relationship’s justice system.

• Recommends policy-making and mutual responsibility over blaming or “working on” each other.

• Ends by reinforcing shared purpose and principles as the foundation of a thriving partnership.