CC24 Panel 03 - Is It Really Over? - Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.; Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT; Ari Tuckman, PsyD

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of affair recovery is the worry by the betrayed partner that the unfaithful partner has not in fact ended contact with the affair partner or will re-establish contact. This can be especially pernicious and enduring when the unfaithful partner has been discovered to have had additional contact after vowing to end it. For many betrayed partners, these subsequent discoveries can feel like even deeper betrayals than the initial infidelity, even more salt in the wound. The unfaithful partner will swear up and down that there has not been any additional contact and that there will not be in the future. The betrayed partner desperately wants to believe it, but also needs to protect themself against further pain. The dilemma for both partners (and the therapist) is that we cannot prove a non-event–it’s possible to show that something did happen, but a lack of evidence may also simply mean that it has not yet been discovered. “Is it really over?” will never have a fully satisfying answer, but both partners need to find a way to a satisfying enough answer. We will discuss how to help struggling couples in this crucial and challenging aspect of affair recovery that can sometimes be more difficult than the white hot emotions of the initial discovery.

Learning Objectives:

1. Describe the unique challenges of this stage of affair recovery
2. Apply strategies to help clients navigate the inherent uncertainty of all relationships
3. Facilitate discussions on what constitutes evidence and what are its limits

Outline:

Introduction and Panelist Overview

• Rob Staffan introduces the closing panel with Stan Tatkin, Ari Tuckman, Harville Hendrix, and Helen LaKelly Hunt.

• Tatkin: Creator of the PACT model (psycho-biological approach to couples therapy).

• Tuckman: ADHD and couples therapy expert; author of four books.

• Hendrix & Hunt: Co-founders of Imago therapy, focused on transforming conflict into connection.

• One-hour panel with 15 minutes for closing remarks.

Infidelity and Trust (Ari Tuckman)

• Infidelity creates deep uncertainty and emotional strain; trust erodes slowly as details emerge.

• Difficult to “prove” nothing else happened—leaves lingering doubt.

• Therapists must guide couples through ambiguity using four key questions:

  • What do you need?

  • How can trust be rebuilt?

  • How do you manage uncertainty?

  • Are you both willing to do the work?

Redefining Infidelity (Stan Tatkin)

• Infidelity includes breaking shared agreements or violating relational contracts, not just sexual acts.

• Trust requires full transparency; secrecy and mismanagement of “thirds” (people or distractions) erode security.

• Introduces DICE: Discovery of Information that Changes Everything—can cause PTSD-like symptoms.

• Secret keeper must lead repair with honesty and accountability.

Rebuilding Trust (Helen LaKelly Hunt)

• Shares personal story of nearly divorcing and using a 30-day relationship calendar to reconnect.

• Trust must precede love; mutual effort is essential.

• Daily appreciations help restore emotional connection.

• Therapist’s role is to guide mutual commitment and active rebuilding.

Systemic Change (Harville Hendrix)

• Focus on systemic transformation, not just fixing individual behaviors.

• Infidelity often arises from unmet needs and the “survival directive.”

• Core human needs: to be seen, heard, and valued.

• Couples must let go of the past and co-create a new, shared vision.

Bridging Insights

• Tatkin & Tuckman: Rebuilding trust requires behavior, not just words—transparency and shared goals.

• Hunt & Hendrix: Dreaming together and daily affirmations reinforce connection.

• All panelists agree: transparency, joint effort, and a shared vision are key to recovery.

Audience Q&A and Closing

• Topics include: how much detail to disclose post-affair and how to recommit after betrayal.

• Tatkin: Free flow of information is non-negotiable for healing.

• Hendrix: “Goodbye” rituals can allow for closure or new beginnings.

• Tuckman: Infidelity can lead to personal and relational growth if managed well.